Author : Tammy Lenski, Ed.D
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" - James ThurberConflict triggers or your "hot buttons" are the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during difficult conversations. While it's a common expression to say, "He presses my buttons," or "She's baiting me," your hot buttons say more about you than they do the other person. More often that not in conflict, you perceive something as bait whether or not that's the other person's intention. And when you feel baited, you may act accordingly---sometimes badly.You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive the other person's words or actions as threatening to your identity in some way. Common triggers include real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, freedom, and sense of being included. Beyond Blame author Jeffrey Kottler suggests that people chomp down on bait as a self-protective mechanism based on past experiences.Your hot buttons can trip you up in conflict because they cause you to misinterpret, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that may contribute to escalation. When you're triggered, your brain may experience what's called a "neural hijacking." The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what's happening. So, you're off and running.While saying "she presses my buttons" suggests it's the other person's job to stop doing it, only you can manage your own triggers. Everyone's bait is a little different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. This is why blaming others for baiting you isn't very effective: you waste energy expecting them to change what they're doing, when only you can change our own reactions.So, how do you sidestep bait instead of playing the blame game? Here are some effective approaches for identifying, recognizing and managing conflict triggers.Begin with what I call "self-work." Keeping your balance during conflict is in large part dependent upon the reflective work you do when you're not in conflict. Learn what triggers you and why you're triggered---get back to the source. Kottler's book is an excellent resource to walk you through that process. Skipping this self-work is like building a house without a foundation.Teach yourself alternative responses. Once you are aware of the kinds of words or actions that trigger you and can recognize bait (intended or unintended) when you see it, you're ready to add alternative responses to your repertoire. Robert Bolton's book People Skills is a good resource rich with practical tips.Practice during low-stakes situations. You probably wouldn't take Spanish 101 and then offer your services as an interpreter for the U.N. Practice your alternative responses in day-to-day situations with low-stakes outcomes. When the higher-stake disputes arise, you'll be better able to stay balanced and access your good skills.In the heat of the moment, stop. Try to note of your physiological state, body language and tone of voice. A "hot face," sweating, loud voice, shaking, tears, and clenched teeth are physiological signals that you're feeling emotionally flooded and suggest that you've been triggered. Allow time for your thinking brain to catch up. Some people teach themselves subtle cues to stop, such as saying "time out," pinching the skin on the inside of their wrist, or taking one minute to breathe deeply. Figure out, through experimentation, what works for you.Take a cool-down period, but don't use the time to dwell on your anger or the other person's frustrating behavior. Instead do something to distract yourself entirely for about 20 minutes, the time it typically takes for your emotional flooding to recede.Beware of venting as a regular strategy. While it's a popular notion that venting makes people feel better and helps get the emotional noise out of the way, research suggests that if you use this approach repeatedly, the opposite effect occurs. While it may feel good in the moment, venting anger as your normal mode may make you more angry and push your body and brain into a heightened state of anxiety or rage.Copyright © 2004 and 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.Visit www.lenski.com for more tips and resources on talking things out in the work and home relationships that matter most.
Get your free copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversation, by visiting www.lenski.com and clicking on Free Guide. You'll also receive Tammy's monthly newsletter and be entered automatically into a bi-monthly drawing for coaching and consulting time with Tammy.
Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women all over the world. A professional mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that really matter.
Keyword : conflict,resolution,home,work,relationship communication,relationship advice,self development,anger
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